I want to pee. Badly.

I don’t know why, but this picture was one of the first images that came out when I googled “Philippine Star”

You see, I like the Philippine Star. It has a great lay-out, which the Inquirer shamelessly tries to imitate. And the calibre of its writers? Superb, dude. I mean, the paper has Tim Yap, Julliana Palermo and Joey de Leon, for crying out loud.

That’s why I was surprised that, along with many of our debater-friends, Barny was bothered by an article that appeared yesterday on that paper. He said: “I am insulted by this article not because he makes fun of debaters but because he’s not funny enough. And now debaters have to suffer the distinction of being parodied in an article that looked like it was written by some high school gay kid who got his first copy of Twisted 1 by Jessica Zafra.” 

But after reading the piece on line, I realized that Barny and others were wrong. It was far from being a bad article. I actually liked it. 

For starters it had a great sense of originality. Like who could have thought of having such a witty disclaimer as this:

This column is a news parody. Its stories are not fact-checked. Its author is not a journalist. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

No one! Not even Jon Stewart!

And the article’s humor? Kick-ass, dude. Check this:

Schools are reporting a record number of broken tables — tables which have been pounded to death by debate teams.

Houses decry the misinterpretation they suffer at the hands of debate organizers. “We don’t believe in anything!” said the Biggest Association of Houses (BAH) in a statement recently.

And the Speakers and Chairs Union of Manila (SCUM), asks that they stop being called “Mister,” as they are obviously asexual.

And this:

But while the world searches for a cure for PISS, there is sadly nothing we can do but navigate away from ANC.

Unless, of course, Ces Drilon finds herself holed up in some hotel again.

Hillarious.

Come to think of it, since when did we have a writer as funny as the guy behind this article?

Big newspapers shouldn’t reject writers like him, you know.

Now more than the his wit and sense of humor, what struck me was the series of observations he raised. They were indicative of how smart he is.

I mean, it’s baffling to me how, despite this being a communication-driven generation, ANC manages to pick the most communication-challenged young people ever for their debates.

Like, I can barely make out what it is the debaters talk about — let alone stand them for two seconds. It’s as if they’re trying to make up for all the years old people spoke slow. Or, maybe the debates are the only chance these geeks get to even talk at all.

Spot on! Clearly, the writer is an authority on parody. He clearly knows what he’s talking about. 

Sure, a great number of Filipino debaters don’t talk fast, but many of them do. So it is certainly okay for the writer to generalize all Filipino debaters as “machine gun” speakers.

Indeed, just because it is hard for us debaters to deliver our arguments within five minutes doesn’t mean we have to speak fast. If you can’t deliver a good argument without cramming 1,000 words in a minute then don’t deliver an argument. Just flaunt your dress, smile on camera, and talk like Miss America.

Or better yet, we debaters should prepare and rehearse our speeches first before we face the cameras. The hell with being spontaneous. I mean, take a look at those Star columnist. Don’t they use ghostwriters? Why don’t we use ghost speech writers too so we can be as good as they are?

Why do we need to characterize, contextualize, give examples and lay down our premises if we could just deliver our arguments without explaining them? That’s the way they do it in Congress, right? Afterall, debates aren’t supposed to be about good analyses. They should be about good accents.

And the article was right. Filipino debaters should not mimic “top international debaters who talk really fast.” Especially because top international debaters don’t talk really fast (And because, in Asia, top international debaters are Filipinos. So Filipino debaters should stop mimicking themselves).

[…] if we all spoke like debaters, then we’d all sound really, really crazy. Or, really, really dumb and vapid.

I couldn’t agree more.

We debaters don’t just sound dumb and vapid. We are dumb and vapid.

I mean, why the fuck do we talk like this:

Mister Chair, this side of the House believes that it is unfair to tax SMS when there are alternative means, Mister Chair, for the Government to raise revenues, ladies and gentlemen.

Given the rampant allegations of corruption, Mister Chair, which remains unanswered, ladies and gentlemen, we believe that this policy gives us no assurance that the money we pay for the text tax would go directly and in full to much-needed social services, Mister Chair and memebers of this House.

Mister Chair, we think that this is particularly unfair because since Filipinos are known to be family-oriented, there’s a need for texters to constantly communicate with their families, ladies and gentlemen. Further, Mister Chair, in this era of internal and external migration, cheap means of communications have become very vital, Mister Chair and members of this House.

For example, a domestic helper working in Manila would always rely on budget SIMs and other promotions like unlimited texting, which is possible only because there are no taxes imposed on text messages, to constantly communicate with her children in her home province. Imposing text tax, Mister Chair, will be a burden for her since she would have to pay more, ladies and gentlemen.

When we can talk like this:

Dude, taxing text messages sucks kaya. Like, uhm… you know, ang labo. There are many ways naman for the government to make money, di ba?

Like… duh, the government is so corrupt kaya, like… you know, kurakot? Eh di ba nga sabi sa newspaper Gloria is corrupt? How sure are we na the tax we make bayad for the SMS will go to roads and bridges and MRT stations, right? Like, the nerve!

Tsaka, it’s unfair, right? We need to text our tropa kaya especially when we make gimik, di ba? If they put tax on text, dude, they have to tell our parents to increase our baon too, you know, like taasan ang allowance?

Right? 

Now, maybe I should try to aspire harder to be a Star columnist. I bet it would be nice to enjoy free services at some hotels or resorts in exchange for a good advert-slash-write-up.

Afterall, debaters are not poster kids for the youth.

“Eventologists” and Gucci gangers are.

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DISCLAIMER: This post is not fact-checked and its opinion not thought through.